Laffer Utilities

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s never felt so good, doing something so useless! Surprisingly though – the Laffer Utilities actually did have some useful features! Released in 1992, here’s some of the cool features:

THE DOS VERSION (ironically, the superior version if you ask me!)

Jokes: The utility had a built in joke database. You could adjust it by the Filth meter and the Laughter meter, which you could customize on existing jokes – and even add in your own jokes! So you could load up on jokes before you head to lunch and be the life of the party! Your co-workers would be none the wiser!

The Laffer Utilities even included a fully functional phone book. You can search for people by name, add new entries, edit existing entries (and of course delete them too, once they got on your last nerve!) There was even a way to export all of your existing phone numbers from the program!

You could also – believe it or not – make signs! The program had a mess of preset themes such as art, cooking, computers, football, doctors, fishing – and so much more! Even after you designed your sign, you could preview the sign and then print it out if you were satisfied with how it looked!

Now, we all have to leave our office sometimes – and go to the “other office” or “out fishing” – well, believe it or not, the Laffer Utilities also had a way to make snazzy little signs, like when you’re out of office or if you’ll be back in 5 minutes! So never leave your co-workers wondering where you are or what you’re doing!

If you’re like me, and sometimes can’t decide where you should go for lunch – well, the Laffer Utilities can help you decide – based on editable quality and cost of food! Like the jokes, you can even add, and make the quality and cost adjustable to your own needs! (Someone might think $1,000 a plate is inexpensive – but we know better – and can adjust this accordingly!)

Sayings was a randomly generated tool, that would pop up, well, randomly generated sayings – some of them legitimate sayings; some of them jokes. It’s a real grab bag here!

Every time football season starts – or a betting pool starts, for the next time one of your friends is going to post something extremely vague on social media – well, Laffer Utilities can help you manage that betting pool with the application made specifically for that! (As you can see, our beloved Larry isn’t too keen on the sports – the way he’s dressed here – so most of his pools deal with his “friends” on social media).

Want to celebrate someone’s team work? Well, – you probably already know what I am about to say – Laffer Utilities has just the tool for you! Yes! You can create team names, list members, print the whole thing out when you’re all said and done, so someone can be proud of their achievements!

Need to print out a sign up sheet? Want to offer overtime at work? Want to see who is going to the team lunch and who is bringing what – besides their appetite? This little baby can do just that, as well. (You never used this program and now you’re feeling out that you missed out on some very big things in life, right?)

Need to come up with a handy dandy form to have folks fill out – and impress them with your form? (Get it? Impress them with your form? As in your pose? You know you’re going to put that one in the joke database on here!) Ahem – yes, well, anyway – yes, the Laffer Utilities could even make forms for you!

But wait – there’s more! That’s right – this bad boy can make fax covers for you! Phones are always going to be around, so there will always be a need for fax covers, right? No faster way of communication! I know you’re ready for another joke – but for right now, it’s just the fax ma’am! (See what I did there? Slid another one right in there, without you noticing! That’s what he said!)

Need to know how your days is going to go? What’s in your future? The program’s handy HorrorScope can tell you everything you need to know! I mean, clearly this program is aligned with the stars and the heavens and can tell you everything you need to know!

Bored? Why not generate some random headlines? This literally has no other purpose, other than the amusing, and very random headlines that it generates. (It’s probably better than reading most tabloids though…)

 

Going to play the Lotto? This program is sure to pick the winning numbers for you right? (And if it actually does, feel free to contact me and we can share the winnings right? I mean, I did just tell you to use this program to pick the Winning Lotto numbers, didn’t I? Certainly makes me more viable than the mysterious “Uncle” who just showed up on your door to reconnect with your life…)

Find yourself being blamed for something? We got you covered! This program will randomly generate excuses for you that are sure to get you out of any situation you may find yourself in! You just can’t lose with the endless amount of excuses we can provide for you!

If you’re stuck wondering what you should do with your day or about any given situation – type it in this portion of the program, and you will be bestowed the infinite and experienced wisdom of none other than Larry Laffer! What more could you possibly ask for?

Want to annoy the people around you? Laffer Utilities also comes with a series of short, high pitched sounds that are sure to drive anyone around you a little more crazy (as if working or sitting next to you hasn’t already done the job!)

And, finally – the last great feature – if you have entries in your phone book – you can actually get birthday notifications in the program by checking here!

 

 

THE WINDOWS VERSION (the inferior version, if you ask me).

The Windows version had all the same features the DOS version, did – but was entirely more clunky. First of all, each of the sections of the Laffer Utilities was its own executable file, rather than being all packed into one, simple program. While you’d think that the Windows version would also be nicer, easier to navigate, once you launched the executable – that was often not the case. It lacked the overall theme and flow of the DOS version of the Laffer Utilities. One thing it did have, was in the menu under Special, there was an option to Auto Load and/or Auto Run. The Auto Load feature would automatically load the program when Windows started, and the Auto Run would Load and then RUN it for you, when Windows started. So that was kind of neat.

Jokes: The utility had a built in joke database. You could adjust it by the Filth meter and the Laughter meter, which you could customize on existing jokes – and even add in your own jokes! So you could load up on jokes before you head to lunch and be the life of the party! Your co-workers would be none the wiser! (Why is the Windows version of the Jokes also less colorful than the DOS version?) Just like the DOS version, you can specify the type of jokes you’re looking for – as well as go into the customize option, and even go as far as to specify gender groups, religions, the whole bit, to customize it to your own, twisted sense of humor.

The Windows version, as stated previously, is just like the DOS version in that it too also has a phone book built into it.

The Laffer Utilities even included a fully functional phone book. You can search for people by name, add new entries, edit existing entries (and of course delete them too, once they got on your last nerve!) There was even a way to export all of your existing phone numbers from the program! This is one time where the Windows version seems to shine a little bit better than the DOS version of the same application.

You could also – believe it or not – make signs! The program had a mess of preset themes such as art, cooking, computers, football, doctors, fishing – and so much more! Even after you designed your sign, you could preview the sign and then print it out if you were satisfied with how it looked! I feel like the DOS version of the Sign Maker is superior to the Windows version of the application. It felt a lot less clunky and easier to use in the DOS version than the Windows version. The Windows version also ended up combining Signs and Signup pretty much into the same section, so you kind of had to hunt and peck for exactly what you’re trying to do.

Now, we all have to leave our office sometimes – and go to the “other office” or “out fishing” – well, believe it or not, the Laffer Utilities also had a way to make snazzy little signs, like when you’re out of office or if you’ll be back in 5 minutes! So never leave your co-workers wondering where you are or what you’re doing! This is one where both of these applications have the same ease of use, so it’s a tie between these two. The one advantage the Announce on Windows had over the DOS version was that it has a screen it loads when you click Start to see the message… And depending on which one you pick for the Display, it shows a different image for each one.

If you’re like me, and sometimes can’t decide where you should go for lunch – well, the Laffer Utilities can help you decide – based on editable quality and cost of food! Like the jokes, you can even add, and make the quality and cost adjustable to your own needs! (Someone might think $1,000 a plate is inexpensive – but we know better – and can adjust this accordingly!) Like the DOS one, you can search for specific areas, cost and what not – so both of these have the same amount of ease of use, allowing you to add, edit, and delete entries within the program. (I would be quite curious to see how many of the businesses already listed in the program, still exist; and what was the price, if any, to get your restaurant listed in the program? Anyone think Lefty’s is listed in there? I will tell you this – I checked!)

Sayings was a randomly generated tool, that would pop up, well, randomly generated sayings – some of them legitimate sayings; some of them jokes. It’s a real grab bag here!

Every time football season starts – or a betting pool starts, for the next time one of your friends is going to post something extremely vague on social media – well, Laffer Utilities can help you manage that betting pool with the application made specifically for that! (As you can see, our beloved Larry isn’t too keen on the sports – the way he’s dressed here – so most of his pools deal with his “friends” on social media). Both of these are pretty much the same, but the interface and layout of the DOS one does edge this one out.

Want to celebrate someone’s team work? Well, – you probably already know what I am about to say – Laffer Utilities has just the tool for you! Yes! You can create team names, list members, print the whole thing out when you’re all said and done, so someone can be proud of their achievements!

Need to come up with a handy dandy form to have folks fill out – and impress them with your form? (Get it? Impress them with your form? As in your pose? You know you’re going to put that one in the joke database on here!) Ahem – yes, well, anyway – yes, the Laffer Utilities could even make forms for you!

But wait – there’s more! That’s right – this bad boy can make fax covers for you! Phones are always going to be around, so there will always be a need for fax covers, right? No faster way of communication! I know you’re ready for another joke – but for right now, it’s just the fax ma’am! (See what I did there? Slid another one right in there, without you noticing! That’s what he said!)

Need to know how your days is going to go? What’s in your future? The program’s handy HorrorScope can tell you everything you need to know! I mean, clearly this program is aligned with the stars and the heavens and can tell you everything you need to know! The Horror Scope has three options: Advice, Prediction and Description. If you select Advice, it offers you some advice on how to proceed with your day. If you go ahead and dare it to give you a Prediction, it will offer some truthful advice as to what is going to happen to you! (I mean, there’s no way a computer program can be wrong, right? Because everything you read on the Internet is the truth!) And if you go to the third option, it will go through and Describe the current Horror Scope you have selected.

Clearly the program knows you better than you know yourself, right?

Bored? Why not generate some random headlines? This literally has no other purpose, other than the amusing, and very random headlines that it generates. (It’s probably better than reading most tabloids though…)

This is probably, of all the applications, the most useless… both in Windows and DOS. So this one ties, as a loser for both. This one literally has no use… it takes key words it has stored and “creates” utterly pointless and fake headlines.

I don’t know what the purpose of this application in both the Windows and DOS version was, as the headlines are rarely even funny, because of the random words and names that it selects from the database. I also believe, if you enter names in the Phone Book, it will pull names from there – which, I guess, might be where some of the humor might come in.

Going to play the Lotto? This program is sure to pick the winning numbers for you right? (And if it actually does, feel free to contact me and we can share the winnings right? I mean, I did just tell you to use this program to pick the Winning Lotto numbers, didn’t I? Certainly makes me more viable than the mysterious “Uncle” who just showed up on your door to reconnect with your life…)

And clearly this program is set to pick the best numbers possible, right? If you trust the program, you’re surly never to Lost – I mean, lose – if you stick with this program to pick all of your lucky numbers for you!

Find yourself being blamed for something? We got you covered! This program will randomly generate excuses for you that are sure to get you out of any situation you may find yourself in! You just can’t lose with the endless amount of excuses we can provide for you! This program is bound to get you out of any kind of trouble you might find yourself getting into!

If you’re stuck wondering what you should do with your day or about any given situation – type it in this portion of the program, and you will be bestowed the infinite and experienced wisdom of none other than Larry Laffer! What more could you possibly ask for? You can definitely trust it with the answers it provides to your deepest, darkest secrets you ask of it.

One thing the DOS thing has that the Windows one does not; strangely enough – remember the SOUNDS option? That doesn’t exist in the Windows version – so there is no Want to annoy the people around you? Laffer Utilities also comes with a series of short, high pitched sounds that are sure to drive anyone around you a little more crazy (as if working or sitting next to you hasn’t already done the job!)

But, it does have the Birthday feature, which like the DOS one, requires entries in the Phone Book to be able to pull up Birthdays. And in the Options, you can search for Birthdays by Weeks, Days and even by the Month.

So for example, if I wanted to look up Passionate Patti’s birthday (which I had entered in the previously mentioned Phone Book) and did a search for the month I am pretty sure her birthday is – it would actually correctly generate the results (and list any other birthdays that were happening that month)!

So there you have – the Windows version of the Laffer Utilities. In the end, if I had to choose between which one I would use, it would still be the DOS version – because I feel that over all, it feels smoother. (And I like it when it feels smooth, if you know what I mean!)

Here’s some of the images from the Windows version of the Laffer Utilities: