Introduction

Mankind has made phenomenal strides in the diagnosis and treatment of disease. No longer are we taking the naive viewpoint of our ancestors, pointing our fingers at the sick and scabrous and crying, “Gadzooks, he’s infested by evil spirits and daemons!” No, we now know that the root causes of disease are far less ethereal and far more commonplace: some are caused by the collection of toxins within the system, and some are caused by poorly-shaped or missing bumps on the skull. The former we shall address in this, “The Modern Day Book of Health and Hygiene”; the latter is well covered in my companion volume, “The Modern Day Book of Sharp Blows to the Head.”

To effectively use this book, you will want to stock your medicine chest with the various items listed in part 1, “The Household Pharmacopoeia.” Every item listed can be located for purchase at your local general merchandise store, at a large metropolitan pharmacy, or from me at my associated firm, Lipschitz Excelsior Total Chemicals and Household Supplies, Catalog available upon request; we feature top-quality merchandise at competitive prices. Write me in care of my publisher and we’ll have you stocked and fully prepared for all medical emergencies and home treatments in a thrice.

In the reference section, you’ll find an alphabetical listing of many common ailments and disease, as well as a complete description of the most modern and up-to-date treatments medical science and phrenology have to offer. Some of the treatments are cross- referenced under their own headings, for ease of use.

Although we have taken great pains to make this the most complete and comprehensive home physician book available, there are no doubt questions you may have concerning treatments and recuperative processes. We will be utterly happy to answer any and all questions put to us, via post, at the nominal charge of $0.55 per question. Stamps are not accepted.

Herewith, then, to your good health, good fortune, and good healing!

PART I: The Household Pharmacopoeia

The following is a list of desirable household equipment for proper treatment of common ailments, and for creating the balms, salves, liquids and tablets described forthwith. All items may be purchased through us or at finer pharmacological equipment stores nationwide.

Note: the usual household medicine cabinet is somewhat on the small side for the amount of equipment we suggest. Therefore, we also recommend a larger than average medicine cabinet to hold this equipment. Something about the size of a small banquet hall should be sufficient.

• Alcohol Lamp
• Balance & Weights
• Bandages
• Beakers, Assorted Sizes
• Bottles, Assorted Sizes
• Burette Corks, Assorted Sizes
• Cotton Balls
• Cotton Swabs
• Crosscut Saw
• Crucible Flasks, Assorted Sizes
• Funnels, Assorted Sizes
• Graduated Cylinder
• Undergraduated Cylinder
• Post-Graduated Cylinder
• Litmus Paper
• Gas Spectroscope
• Measuring Spoons
• Medical Dispensing Papers
• Medicine Dropper
• Mortar & Pestle
• Petri Dishes, Assorted Sizes
• Pill-making Machine
• Pipettes
• Pumice Stones
• Retort
• Router
• Spatulas
• Test Tubes
• Test Tube Rack or Holder
• Thermometer (ORAL)
• Thermometer (RECTAL)
• Thermometer (NASAL)
• Thermometer (OUTDOOR)
• Tourniquets

You will also require the following chemicals and perishables:

AFRINIMIACIDE

A powerful anti-swelling agent. See: NOSE DROPS

AMINOPHYLLIC CITRATE

An extremely powerful cure for temporary (Non-Acute) flatulence, in man or beast. Should Aminophyllic Citrate be unavailable, it may be created in the home laboratory: Combine 40 Grams Sodium Bicarbonate with 15 ml Furachlordone. Pour into beaker. Dilute with water to make
100 ml. Add 5 grams Magnesium Sulfate, stir the mixture well using only a pure glass rod. Pour into medicine bottle and cork. Mix 1:1000 with water.

AMMONIA

A colorless, pungent gas, achieved through dry distillation of nitrogenous organic bodies such as blood and bones. Not recommended for synthesis at home. When infused with water, often called “Spirits of Hartyshorn”. Soluble ammonia is a decent disinfectant… and it doesn’t leave streaks!

AMMONIUM CARBONATE

Pungent crystals, often called “Smelling Salts”.

ANALGESIC RUB

One of the greatest hoaxes ever perpetrated upon the unwitting public, and a darn fine one, too. Does not actually provide any medication as analgesics work on the brain and not on localized sites. However by creating a stinging or burning discomfort on the skin, it effectively distracts from the ache or pain for which the rub is used. See: RUBEFACENT. Often fools senior citizens and adults; unfortunately children cannot be deceived quite as easily. A jocular item to keep around the locker room.

ANESTHETIC

Important to have at all times. Whisky and other high-proof alcoholic beverages will serve; ether, chloroform and a sharp blow to the head will also suffice. Biting down on bullets is only recommended provided the bullet is facing outward from the head and away from innocent bystanders. ANTACID There are numerous antacids available. Most appear to be combinations of Sodium Bicarbonate and Calcium Carbonate. See: SODIUM BICARBONATE, CALCIUM CARBONATE. Extract of Swiss Lemon Creme is useful to make these more palatable.

ASPIRIN

An antipyretic, antirheumatic, analgesic pill consisting of the acetyl derivative of salicylic acid. So far, the basic usage seems to be for keeping cut flowers from wilting, but new experimental uses are being explored all the time.

BALM

An ointment or liniment, rubbed on external sites to provide temporary symptomatic relief of aches, pains, bruises and other localized pain. Oil of Belladonna and Nightshade Jelly are two particularly effective balms; however, it is inadvisable to take them internally.

BIMETHYLQUINOLINE

A crystalline substance used in the manufacture of certain drugs. Hard-to-find but well worth a trip to the Joliet Bimenthylquinnoline Mines to pick up some freshly hewn granules.

BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE

Has been found to be an effective, albeit highly powerful, compound in the correction of diarrhea, although it is not normally recommended for individuals due to its extreme concentration and possibility for overdose, with subsequent dire consequences. Best when taken with vast quantities of water. Storage may be a problem due to short shelf life. May be synthesized as follows: Combine 25 ml of Bismuth Subsalicylate with 5 ml of Orphenamethihydride in a test tube. Heat over flame until mixture begins to boil. Pour into medicine bottle and cork. Remove from flame and dilute with one thousand gallons of water (approximately). Makes enough Bisalicylate Antitoxidene for four thousand doses.

BISMUTH ENTEROSALICYLINE

Used in the compounding of drugs such as BeinByate, Lezl-E Neelcin, Sudabum, and Quinotrazate.

BISMUTH SUBSALICYLATE

Primarily prescribed as a stool darkener. Some believe it to be efficacious in a variety of digestive aids.

BLEACH

A catchall name for any of a variety of chemicals which can leech color, but often referring specifically to Sodium Hypochlorite, an oxidizing compound. Sodium Hypochlorite can also be used as a decontamination agent for various types of gases. Apply to liver spots thrice daily; will not eradicate liver spots but will certainly irritate them into forming scabs, thus disguising them.

BORAX

Also known as “20 Mule Team Borax”. A white crystalline compound used as an antiseptic, as a food preservative, for various medical purposes and as a flux. Found native as “tincal” and with a sweet, alkaline taste.

BORIC ACID

A white crystalline compound, used as a mild antiseptic and sometimes as a preservative. Found in volcanic lagoons of Tuscany, Italy. Really.

CAFFEINE

A relatively new ingredient in the home medicine arsenal. Currently used mainly as a flavoring agent in coffee, chocolate, and the new carbonated beverages. But believed by many modern-day physicians to soothe agitated nerves and calm excitable children. Experimentation is currently underway to confirm this.

CALAMINE LOTION

A soothing pink lotion consisting of zinc and ferric oxide in a suspension. Useful for a variety of skin ailments. Comforting to victim, only because it brings to mind when grandma used to take you for long walks in the poison ivy and then had to slather you with the stuff afterwards. Remember?

CALCIUM CARBONATE

Used to provide that much sought-after “chalky” texture for antacids, laxatives, diuretics, and other bowel related liquid medications. Can be synthesized in the home thusly: Take one 5-inch length of schoolhouse chalk. Grind in a mortar until a fine powdery consistency is achieved. Use 1 gm powder per dosage as recommended.

CALCIUM CITRATE

Added to make certain children’s medication more palatable. In pill-based medications, imparts a malleable texture allowing you to mold the pills into the dinosaur shapes children love to eat (except for Betty)!

CARBON

Also known as granulated charcoal. Despite the mess and inconvenience, carbon makes a serviceable deodorant, and can even be used to filter some gaseous fumes, such as methane, from air to make it breathable. Cheap and readily available.

CASTOR OIL

Primarily used to prove to children who’s really the boss around this house, and you’re gonna take this and go straight to bed or wish you had of!

CHLOROFORM

A delightful additive to heighten the enjoyment gained from certain highly-alcoholic remedies and elixirs. Also used as a sedative with humans and animals.

CODEINE

The narcotic of choice when compounding expectorants and couch suppressants. May create nausea upon consumption; fortunately, the narcotic effect ensures that the patient does not care about the nausea.

COPPER SULFATE

Bluestone. Used to achieve a pleasant color in many preparations. Can also be added to non-medicated drinks to produce bizarre and amusing effects. Breaks the ice at parties.

COUGH DROPS

Edible tablets of soothing or medicinally-treated candy.

COUGH SYRUP

Some suppress coughs, some cause the patient to expectorate
(cough up phlegm). Preparations that claim to do both are useless and cancel each other out. Can be synthesized at home as follows: to 20 ml Mercuriomuculate Dioxide, add 15 gm Essence of Butyrachrome. Heat slowly until dissolved. Cool. Stopper. Shake. Dosage: 1 tsp per hour as needed.

DIURETIC

A medication that stimulates the secretion and flow of urine. Beer appears to be extremely efficacious. The saying goes, “You cant buy a diuretic… you can only rent one!”

EAR DROPS

Often a gentle formulation of Hydrogen Peroxide, designed to slowly dissolve accumulations of ear wax that may be causing blockages or exacerbating infections. Use caution when applying; remember the rule of thumb: never place anything larger than your elbow in your ear.

ELIXIR

A general term used in hundreds of liquid “patent medicines”. May contain herbal or synthetic chemicals, or a combination of those. Most elixirs have, in common, an extremely high alcohol content, often up to 95% of the contents of the bottle. Thus, they may be more effective in creating flames than in battling illness.

ENTEROMAGNELINE

Used in the formulation of Testostearate, Einbinder Digestive Salts, Myomiomy, and other remedies. Warning: Should not be consumed by those with “I’m allergic to Enteromagneline” medic alert badges, medic alert rings, medic alert necklaces, medic alert cloisonnes, or medic alert cameos.

EPSOM SALTS See: MAGNESIUM SULFATE

ESTROSTERANE

Can be used tom prevent conception after marital relations. Normally available only by prescription. May be produced in the home as follows: Grind 15 gm of Bimethylquinoline crystals and 15 gm of powdered Metyraphosphate in a mortar. Prepare 5 gm dosages on pure sheets of medicinal dispensing paper. Recommended maximum dosage: 1 box of six.

ETHYL ALCOHOL

The woman who invented the hangover. Also a convenient fluid in which to dissolve many compounds, having a higher solvency factor than plain, boring old water.

EYE DROPS

Despite claims to the contrary, water is all that is needed in most cases where eye drops or eyewash is required. Eye drops may be useful to flush foreign objects from the surface of the eyeball, or to moisten dry eyes. To prevent dry eyes, try not to rub your eyes with a rough, absorbent towel.

EYEWASH See: Eye Drops

FORMALDEHYDE

A toxic, unpleasantly-scented preserving gel. Should any organs or limbs need to be preserved for any reason, plunge immediately into a jar of formaldehyde once the vital fluids have been drained.

FURACHLORDONE

Used in the manufacture of Aminophyllic Citrate, Limnotic Knidphyte, Chloroslychmun, and other popular medications. Also useful as a topical remedy for poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, poison honeysuckle, and poison lily-of-the- valley.

IPECAC

Usually proffered in syrup form. Causes instant and severe vomiting, useful in the event of accidental poisoning. Also tremendous fun when secretly added to the chocolate syrup dispensers of competing pharmacies.

ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL

Used in perfumery and as a solvent; can also be used for rubdowns and as a topical refresher. Bracing. Do Not Drink

LAXATIVE

A purgative; something that enables the body to better void or eliminate fecal matter. Psyllium husk is a good natural laxative; many fiber-rich foods also have a natural laxative effect. See: CALCIUM CARBONATE, MILK OF MAGNESIA, MINERAL OIL, PSYLLIUM.

LEECHES

They’re not just for breakfast anymore! Yes, we’ve discovered that leeches are not only superb delicacies, but useful for cleansing the blood and removing toxins. Standard dosage: three leeches at a time, left for one hour. To draw blood from localized injuries, place the leeches on the bruised or contused sites.

LINIMENT See: BALM

LOTION

A medicated liquid, usually thick and creamy, used for cleansing or to aid in healing any diseased or contused external area. Most topical remedies may be made into a lotion by suspending in a lanolin Solution.

MAGNESIUM SULFATE

Commonly known as “Epsom Salts”. Not useful per se as a medication or component, but definitely helpful when your epsoms taste a little too bland.

MERCURIC CHLORIDE

Also referred to as “Zenker’s Solution”. A strength-building compound useful as an adjunct in male hormone treatments. In just seven days, it can make you a man!

MERCUROCHROME

Dyes minor flesh wounds bright pink, making them easier for others to spot and comment upon. No medical value whatsoever.

METYRAPHOSPHATE

An anti-conceptuant when used in conjunction with Bimethylquinoline according to laboratory specs.

MILK OF MAGNESIA

A milky aqueous suspension of magnesium hydroxide; useful as both a laxative and antacid. See: ANTACID, LAXATIVE. And it tastes good, too! See: CALCIUM CARBONATE

MINERAL OIL

A generic term encompassing various oils derived from inorganic matter, esp. petroleum & petroleum byproducts An effective laxative, See: Laxative. Really really nasty stuff.

MUSTARD PLASTER

A thick poultice of powdered mustard and flour, used as a counterirritant and rubefacient.

NEO-SYNECTIDE

A powerful anti-swelling agent, used in nose drops and asthma medications See: NOSE DROPS

NITRABYLOCYNINE

By itself, an emollient, but when combined with compounds to be orally ingested, Nitrabylocynine aids in the absorption through the stomach lining, Gives you that “get up and GO!” feeling (as well as that “get out of the way!” feeling).

NOSE DROPS

In case of blockage of the nasal passages, nose drops may be prescribed to shrink swelling of the mucus membranes and thus open breathing tubes. Unfortunately, most nose drops result in “Rebound Effect” wherein once the effects of the drops have worn off, the membranes re-engorge, often to an even greater extent. Disgusting but profitable for the pharmacist!

ORPHENAMETHIHYDRIDE

A desalinization compound. Also a handy substitute for vermouth.

PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE

Effective aid in treatment of the vapors. Available from Furnette Formulas, Cincinnati , Ohio. Pepticlymacine Tetrazole is an acceptable substitute for Tyloxpolynide. Dispense at 40 ml per bottle.

PETROLEUM JELLY

A think get of petroleum byproduct, useful to cover first degree burns or to help in the hydration of chapped or dry skin. Also makes a fabulous skin lubricant for those occasions when you anticipate rubbing a lot of skin together.

QUINOTRAZATE

A highly efficacious and useful mediation when taken orally at a dosage of NTE 60 mg/day. To prepare: to 15 ml. of Dismuth Enterosalicyline, add 30 gm of Phenodol Oxytriglychlorate to produce Quinotrazate. Mix together in a glass beaker. Stir the mixture well using only a pure clean glass rod. Process into pill form. Usual dosage is 21 pills.

STYPTIC PENCIL

A white chalk-like tube of highly astringent compound, designed specifically to staunch the flow of blood, especially in shaving accidents. Less useful for larger wounds, such as those involving farm equipment. Indirectly useful for stimulating tear ducts and provoking loud sounds. Available from Ow-Chi Imports, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

SUPPOSITORIES

A most unusual and intriguing means of delivering medication to the lower bowels and sigmoid. Consists of a medicated lozenge which dissolves at body temperature, inserted rectally. Good for the treatment of hemorrhoids and Gere’s Gerbil Syndrome.

TESTOSTERATE

5 ml. of Testosterate administered orally twice daily will add masculinity to the lightest male. To prepare: Combine 10 ml. of Phenolsulphonphthalien liquid with 30 gm. of Enteromagneline powder in a beaker. Bring to a boil. Allow to cool ever so slightly before adding 5 gm. of Reserpicline Oxide. Dilute with enough Nitrabylocynine to make 75 ml. of Testosterate. Stir. Pour into medicine bottle and cork.

TETRACYCLINE

An experimental drug, but one worth taking for certain unmentionable diseases (like the Pox… whoops, now we mentioned it). Try 500 mg 4x daily for 10 days. Sure did the trick for me; now Lulu and I are good friends again.

THIOURACILIUM

First of a new class of drugs called “analgesics,” designed to relieve tension and ache in the anal region. Two tablets every four hours as needed.

TYLOXPOLYNIDE

An effective aid in the treatment of the vapors. Not possible to synthesize in the home laboratory, however, substitutions are permissible. (See: PEPTICLYMACINE TETRAZOLE.) Available from D. B. Aze & Sons, Baltimore, Maryland.

UREAPHILOFINE

Liquid version of Ureaphine, used to alleviate the dreaded “purple urine” syndrome common to small children who have ingested purple crayons. A highly specialized drug, but keep it on hand just in case.

VALERECTAL DINOCTUM

Similar in function to Syrup of Ipecac, but causes reverse peristalsis in the sigmoid. Creates a loud case of acute borgrythmus and prevents the patient from evacuating for at least 12 hours. Useful when the plumbing is out.

WISMUTOXYJODOGENOMYLON

Often prescribed to treat bruises and contusions of the tongue, normally brought on by attempting to pronounce the name of the chemical. An ingenious drug, albeit with limited usage.

WITCH HAZEL

A North American shrub, the fluid extract of which makes an extremely effective astringent, tightening and drying the skin. This makes it useful for cleansing acne of other oily skin, soothing bruises and sprains, refreshing, etc. Also spelled “wych hazel.”

PART 2

HOME PROCEDURES

In an emergency, prompt and courteous treatment is a must. The guide below will instruct you in providing aid for the most mundane illnesses and conditions, from setting a broken leg to reviving the victim of a heart attack. More serious emergencies had best be referred to your local physician or hospital.

ACNE

Acne was once thought to be an eruption of bad yellow bile. Technically, while it still appears to be an eruption of bad yellow bile, we know it to be caused by foreign goods, such as the French food pommes de terr frites, Swiss chocolate, etc. Curiously, acne appears to subside with the cessation of the process known as “pubescence,” but upon examination, this is logical: during pubescence, there is a craving for exotic foods and the need to “break away” or “rebel” from more proper foods such as corn meal mush, cactus and buffalo. Until these urges abate post-pubescence, a return to the basics will go a long way to alleviate most serious acne. And occasions facial scrubbing with lye soap and a pumice stone is also recommended to remove those annoying pustules!

BROKEN BONES

These are a common hazard and, contrary to popular belief, do not require professional medical attention. If a limb is broken, merely adjust the bones using a straightedge ruler until they line up properly. Then bind the bones with a “splint” (a two-by-four tied with several kerchiefs) so that they remain in line for at least a week or two. The break, once healed, will actually be stronger than the original bone… although we do NOT recommend you break each and every bone just to create stronger and healthier limbs!

Occasionally, bones other than limbs will also break (ribs, skull, pelvis, shoulder blades); these cannot be set using a splint. Fortunately, these tend to heal on their own when left alone. Try to avoid placing undue or uncomfortable pressure on these bones for several weeks or until firmly set.

BRUISES

These are simply the result of broken blood vessels underneath the skin, a natural and spontaneous occurrence which should not be viewed as serious. However, they are unsightly and can be painful. See the above Pharmacopoeia for several alleviating substances, most notably the application of several leeches to the immediate area. The discoloration should quickly subside.

Note that in some cases, the bruises may actually swell or raise the surface of the skin. These are merely pools of blood; to eradicate the swelling, simply “squish” the blood around to the surround tissue and even out the surface. This is best accomplished with a standard kitchen rolling pin.

BURNS

There is a saying in the medical profession: “The only people who get burns are the people that deserve them.” This is our way of saying that burns can nearly always be prevented simply by being attentive, aware, alert and intelligent.

Nonetheless, there are many — most notably children — who will occasionally suffer from burns. In either event, the application of a soothing balm or calamine lotion will aid in healing and reduce the chance of infection. However, it is generally understood by doctors that they will not treat burns that were arrive at through the clumsiness and stupidity. Pain and a rapidly spreading infection are excellent and constant reminders of the need to be cautious when dealing with heat and flame.

CHOKING

Choking is caused by a foreign object or wayward chunk of food being lodged in the windpipe. Fast, thoughtful action is a must if choking victim is going to be saved from asphyxiation.

First, ascertain that the victim is indeed choking. If the victim gags violently and turns blue, this may simply mean that the victim has swallowed something extremely cold and distasteful. Cover the victim with blankets and provide plenty of strongly flavored hot tea.

Should you determine that the victim is indeed choking, the first course of action is to force the victim to swallow as much liquid as possible; the weight of the liquid may be enough to propel the lodged object further down the gulled and, eventually, into the stomach where it belongs.

If this does not seem to work, take your command household plunger (also knows as the “plumber’s helper”) and apply it around the mouth and nose of the victim. Three of four quick plunges will dislodge any item. Sometimes just the smell of the thing will help bring something up!

COLDS & INFLUENZA

The saying goes, “Feed a fever, starve a cold.” Mankind has yet to determine the precise cause of the common cold. We are, though, reasonably sure that certain activities can trigger the onset of a cold: walking in cold weather without a coat of some sort; sitting in a both whose water has gone cold; getting wet and not drying off promptly.

While there is no cure for a cold, there are symptomatic treatments. How beverages will soothe a sore throat and promote the loosening of phlegm in the chest. Placing ice cubes in the nostril will draw the cold up and out the nose, away from the chest and throat. Attaching clothes pins to the lips will push infected blood away from the head and closer to the heart, where the immune system ins strongest. And placing a vacuum pump down the esophagus will help draw away the accumulated phlegm.

While none of these treatments will cure the cold, they will go a long way towards making the cold sufferer more comfortable.

CONSTIPATION

Constipation is an unnatural hardening of the stool, making voiding difficult and strenuous. If unchecked, it can lead to hemorrhoids and other afflictions of the lower bowels.

The key to curing a bout of constipation is to eat plenty of soft, liquidy foods. Some of the best are: soft or melted cheese, milk, butter, eggs, cooked beef and melted chocolate. Laxatives such as Psyllium are also recommended, but only when more natural remedies fail.

CORNS

Corns are horny thickening of cuticle, typically found on the feet; in animals, esp. horses, corns refer to a morbid condition of the fore hoof resulting in inflammation of the horn (produced by tissue damage to the sole). Corns can usually be made better simply by picking at them; soaking them briefly to soften them first helps make them more pickable.

CROUP

Can refer either to a general inflammation of the larynx, resulting in a painful spasm or cough, or to a specific condition in which a false membrane develops over the throat accompanying the coughing and spasms.

Croup is best treated by the ingestion of hard, rough-textured food such as rock candy (swallowed in chunks) and bread crusts, and highly acidic foods such as freshly squeezed lemon juice or vinegar. The rough-textured foods crape the infected tissue off the throat an into the stomach, where the digestive juices will dissolve it; the acidic foods also “burn off” the infection and thus soothe the inflamed tissue.

DEHYDRATION

Is caused by a lack of fluid in the body. Under ideal circumstances, the body produces enough fluid to sustain life on its own; we drink to satisfy thirst, not to prevent dehydration. This when a person exhibits the sighs of dehydration (flaking of skin, falling hair, dry eyeballs that refuse to blink, etc.), do NOT give the patient additional fluids! Given enough time, the body must learn to produce these fluids itself! Ingesting fluids into the body will only delay dehydration and prevent the body from developing its own natural defenses!

DIARRHEA

Diarrhea is caused by too many soft, liquidy foods finding their way into your digestive system. Unchecked, it can lead to dehydration. It may be cured quickly and cleanly by eating quantities of solid foods, or foods with stiffening ingredients like pectin, such as: fibrous breads, apples, cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower, etc. ( see: BISALICYLATE ANTITOXIDENE.)

FEVER

The saying goes, “Feed a cold, starve a fever.” In this case, “starving” refers to not giving a fever what it wants: warmth. A person suffering from an elevated temperature (anything above
98.6 when take with an oral thermometer, above 99.6 when take with a rectal thermometer, 97.6 when take with a nasal thermometer, or 84.3 when take with an outdoor thermometer) should be immersed in ice water until the fever breaks.

FLATULENCE

Properly treating flatulence, whether in man or beast, requires diagnosing the source of the offensive odor. Obtain a sample of the gaseous matter (any simple container, such as a paper bag, will suffice). Place your gas spectroscope (you do still have that old gas spectroscope out in the barn, don’t you?) in front of a lit alcohol lamp or Bunsen burner. Burn the gas on the flame and observe the spectra readout and treat with the appropriate solution:

• Apples ‘n Brown Sugar-Cinnamon (treatment: Sodium Bicarbonate)
• Excess Acid or Excess Carbon Dioxide (treatment: Nitrabylocynine)
• Caramel (treatment: Quinine)
• Meaty Byproducts (treatment: Bisalicylate Antitoxidene)
• Lentils (treatment: Aminophyllic Citrate)

HEART ATTACK

One of the most feared sicknesses of all time, heart attack is the result of a sickly constitution. Preventive medicine is best. A healthy constitution must be fomented by a varied, healthy diet. Eat plenty of rare red meat, liver, pork, eggs cream, cheeses, and fried foods; supplement this with homegrown vegetables such as potatoes, corn and peas; pure white bread for liver; and fruits when available (however, be warned: fruits may contain worms and other impurities and should only be eaten sparingly).

In the event of a heart attack, the victim may feel shooting pains in the left arm and centralized pain in the chest. The patient should immediately grasp the wrist to feel the pulse, breath shallowly, turn pale, sweat, and say, “Oh, no! I’m coming, Esther!” over and over in order to stay awake. Crumpling to the floor is optional. After a period of panic, bed rest is prescribed, accompanied by heavy dosages of self-recrimations for an unhealthy lifestyle.

HEARTBURN

Esophagitis, a burning sensation of indigestion that manifests itself in the upper abdomen. Antacids may be used to alleviate the symptoms temporarily, but in chronic cases, an esophagotomy may be required. This surgery s best performed in a hospital or barber shop.

HEMORRHOIDS

Also known as “piles,” characterized by a swollen mass of varicose veins in the rectum, which sometimes protrudes in a manner resembling grapes, and… you don’t really want to hear this, do you? Good, because I’m getting just a wee bit nauseous talking about it.

Balms and ointments applied to the area may offer symptomatic relief; however, for longer-lasting relief, a change of diet is prescribed. Chronic constipation can result in hemorrhoids, thus the same dietary considerations for that condition may alleviate hemorrhoids. The rule of thumb is, don’t strain. Take it easy when voiding. If you sit there, it will come.

KIDNEY “STONES”

Small, hard, jagged stones or collections of improperly metabolized minerals, often calcium, but sometimes other materials, such as Pez. They can range in size from a peppercorn to a small pitted cherry, and may often be passed without any discomfort save that as a man might experience while birthing a baby through his penile member.

Chronic production of kidney stones may indicate kidney or liver dysfunction, and the long-term treatment involves dietary restrictions on foods with any mineral content. This may mean no dairy products whatsoever, which are calcium-rich, as well as the exclusion of many meats and vegetables. The most painful dreary consideration may be to completely eliminate one’s intake of tofu, another calcium-rich food. Many have chosen to learn to live with kidney stones rather than succumb to their inability to properly digest tofu.

LACERATIONS

A catchall phrase generally referring to a cut or injury to the skin. Once upon a time, lacerations were attended to by cleansing the skin thoroughly and stitching the skin together to minimize scarring. However, although we still look favorably y upon cleansing lacerations to avoid infection, we are now enlightened enough to realize that scars, far from being objects of scorn and derision, are symbols of fortitude and life experiences. Rare and rivaled is the man who has no scars to show for his life on this earth; therefore, we no linger stitch scars unless they appear life-threatening.

Should you wish to draw attention to particular nasty laceration, a pat of mercurochrome is always a nice decorative touch, and the application of peroxide to the laceration, whit its resulting fizzing and bubbling, always makes for and impressive show of endurance.

MEASLES

A viral infection causing a spotty red rash, fever, runny nose, sore eyes, cough, and possibly additional complications, Untreated (or improperly treated) measles can cause encephalitis, a dangerous and sometimes fatal inflammation of the brain.

There is currently no treatment for measles in our stage of scientific development, other than pushing fluids and taking aspirin, so just sort of count on encephalitis.

MUMPS

Another acute viral infection (collect the whole series!), usually confined to the child hood years. Mumps are characterized by inflammation and swelling of the salivary glands and, in teenage and adult males, swelling of one or both testes.

Fortunately, complications are rare, and one bout with mumps confers future immunity. Analgesics are dictated but there is no specific cure known at this time. The only long-term side effect is the social stigma of walking around looking like you’re storing nuts for the winter in your cheek pouches. It is not unusual to be given nicknames such as “Squirrel cheeks,” “Dizzy,” or “Brioche Face” while thus afflicted, and these nicknames may endure for years, causing embarrassment and ridicule that may endanger psychological health during the crucial adolescent years.

Just something to look out for.

NAUSEA

The sensation of wanting or needing to vomit. While nausea itself is not an illness or disease, but rate a symptom, nausea can be treated with Bismuth Subsalicylate. When a patient becomes nauseous, do attempt to determine the cause of the underlying illness. It is interesting to note that although man is not the only creature to experiences nausea, man IS the only creature to feel a need to “kneel before the porcelain goddess” first in order to make the offering.

POISON IVY, POISON OAK, POISON SUMAC

Three species of plants that are both poisonous f take internally al also liable to cause allergic reactions if touches.

Identifying the plants may go a long way towards preventing accidental exposure. Poison ivy and poison oak have three leaves in a cluster; poison sumac has a row of paired leaflets. Of course, this could describe any of thousands of nonpoisonous common plants, so the only surefire way of determining whether a particular plant is poisonous or not is to rub some briskly on an unimportant, unused part of the body (the head would probably be appropriate in this case).

First-aid consists chiefly of cleansing the affected area, swabbing with alcohol and then with calamine lotion. Wash any clothing that may have come in contact with the plant. People with extremely sever or unsightly reactions to poison ivy, oak or sumac should probably be sterilized so as not to pass on this allergy to the next generation.

POX

A collective term for any of a number of infectious diseases resulting in blistery, weeping skin eruptions (such as chicken pox). However, it is also used to refer to a disease also called “syphilis,” inaccurately known as the “love disease” since it seems to be passed on primarily by outhouse seats with inadequate openings.

PREGNANCY

A temporary, usually nonfatal condition involving a parasitic embryo, a host female, and a disinterested third party (usually a father). The embryo attaches itself to the inside of the females’ uterus and fees off of her blood and other bodily fluids, growing very rapidly, much like a tapeworm, only rounder. Fortunately, the parasite usually detaches itself
(See: KIDNEY STONES for a description of the pain involved in this process.) within 8-9 months, after which its parasitic tendencies become largely financial in nature.

Fortunately, we now know that pregnancy is entirely preventable simply by staying home on Friday and Saturday nights.

PSORIASIS & DERMATITIS

Psoriasis is a specific skin condition in which epidermal cells are manufactured faster that normal and not allowed to mature, resulting in an excess supply of immature skin cells which flake off rather that hang around and finish school. It may also cause heartbreak.

Dermatitis is a general term for any nonspecific inflammation of the skin, attributable either to allergies or unknown causes. Eczema, seborrhea, and dandruff are all examples of dermatitis. Fish oil is believed to help alleviate both psoriasis and other dermatitis’s, but many would rather live with the condition that walk about smelling of mackerel.

RABIES

An acute viral infection oft the nervous system, usually fatal, often passed on t humans through contact with animal saliva. There is no current treatment for rabies.

One of the most commonly acknowledged symptoms is the engrossing”foaming at the mouth” bit. This symptom is highly overrated. The foaming is no big deal; it’s not a big frothing mass like a bubble bath. In fact, it’s quite subtle, a thin foam resembling creme fraiche or a light hollandaise. By the time you’ve spotted it, it’s usually too late. Cut and run.

SCIATICA

A pain that radiates up and down the sciatic nerve (primary nerve of the leg.) Spinal injuries are the most common reason for sciatica, though it may also be caused by tumors, abscesses, blood clots, or simply by incorrect posture. Treatment consists of bed rest and analgesics; they symptoms usually disappear within a few days.

Sciatica, being one of those conditions little understood by the general public, is an excellent excuse to stay home from work. “My sciatica’s acting up again” is a colorful and quaint complaint, and since the average Joseph has no idea whether or not it’s contagious, he’s likely to grant you a respite from work until you are better. (Rabies is also a splendid excuse to stay home from work, but generally only works once.)

SUNBURN

This is simply inflammation due to excess exposure to the sun. These days, the risk of sunburn may easily be lessened by using what’s called a “sun block.” Tar, molasses, white oil paint and most laxatives, either singly or in combination, make effective sun blocks.

Should you forget to bring your bucket of tar to the beach, sunburn may be soothed with an application of calamine lotion. Alternatively, a rubefacient applied to ate areas NOT affected by sunburn will at least spread out the discomfort..

SUNSTROKE

Also results from overexposure to direct sun, usually afflicting those who are unaccustomed to host temperatures. Sunstroke (and other heatstroke’s) are life endangering f not treated promptly, as the body’s heat regulating mechanisms break down and allow the body to literally overheat.

Fast treatment consists of wrapping the patient, naked, in a cold, wet sheet. Douse the sheet continuously with extra water, or repeatedly sponge the victim with cold water. Force-feed the victim quiescently frozen confections. Continue until ht patients’ internal temperature registers 101 degrees on a recta thermometer.

WARTS

Contagious but harmless growths on shin or, occasionally, on mucus membranes.

Warts can be froze off or picked off (be sure your fingernails are clean), but the most effective treatment for removing or “fetching” a wart sit that prescribed by Samuel Clemens involving stump water and a dead cat at midnight. See: TOM SAWYER.